Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize