dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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