so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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