i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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