my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
