someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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