PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
