my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
