I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize