By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
