i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
