remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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