He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
