farters have to be the big spoon...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
