I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
pray to the hookup gods
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
