WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
