Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
