Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
