I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
