Sacagawea was the original milf.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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