Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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