Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
