I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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