I want to walk on stilts...naked
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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