bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Is Oprah even human
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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