Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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