You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
