Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
