believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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