It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize