i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize