I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
