I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
