I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
