She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
