so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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