I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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