OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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