i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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