I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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