You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
