I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
