I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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