you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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