so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
