I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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