No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
