His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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