A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
