Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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