Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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