we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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