Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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