so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
