She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
