I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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