It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
