He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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