My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
