When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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