I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
