i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize