Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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