and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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