toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
