Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
