i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
