you guys were way drunker than both of me
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
