really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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