It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
