IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
