I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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