But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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