I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This is the high leading the old right now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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