they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
